The National Enquirer, Spokestabloid for baby-stealing aliens, Bigfoot, the latest celebrity in their final days and…Donald Trump,
I’m convinced that all the racists who hated Obama were not opposed to Obama because he was the first colored president. He was just the wrong color. None of them wanted a black president. They want a fluorescent, phony tan colored president.
John Boehner proved that for the GOP orange was the acceptable new black. I guess fluorescent, phony tan is the new orange…
The Catholic religion is based on Original Sin. We’re all born sinners who must have that sin baptized away in the name of Jesus Christ. In fact Mormons are so worried about dirty sinners they proxy baptize dead Jews as a public service just to be safe. Not sure if they baptize dead Muslims though; there could be a language barrier and their dead might misunderstand and think the Mormons are trying to drown the death out of them. Last thing you want in the afterlife is a jihad.
Catholics blow it all at birth by being baptized. I used to have to schlep my dirty clothes weekly to a laundromat, plug in the coins, wait for it to be done, and then schlep them home again. What a hassle. That’s what Catholic confession is like. When their soul gets dirty again—as it always will–they have to schlep their sins to confession, plug in a few “Hail Mary”s, wait for the absolution cycle to be done so they can schlep their newly-washed souls home. This can be a weekly event for some Catholics. And I’m told the magazines inside the confessionals aren’t very good.
The Jewish religion is based on guilt, in fact, it thrives on it. You have to feel guilty about something in order to be forgiven for it. A Jew just says “Oy, I shouldn’t have had that extra piece of pizza. I’m all bloated now. God, what a mistake that was!” In the morning, God has foregiven the overeating and allowed digestion to get rid of the bloat. THAT’S the way religion should work!
You might ask why do Jews need to feel guilty over everything? Don’t ask. Guilt, for want of a better word, is good. Guilt works. You don’t cross the Red Sea because you feel sinful. You cross the Red Sea because you feel guilty that if Moses goes by himself he might fall down on the Sinai Peninsula and skin his knee or something.
Personally, if I belonged to a religion where I had to practically drown my newborn baby to wash its soul clean, I would feel as guilty as sin.
What’s a poor Christian to do these days? Everywhere they turn they’re under attack. Can’t propose to stick a transvaginal probe up a pregnant woman in Virginia. Can’t have a prayer to the Lord posted on the wall of a public school in Rhode Island. The war on Christmas has no end in sight. And Kenyan-born Muslim President Obama is forcing churches to pay for abortions and contraceptives. A Christian just can’t catch a break anywhere.
Being a Christian used to be great when this was a Christian nation, but now not so much. So, what’s the answer?
Maybe it’s time to try into a new religion. Have you considered Judaism? It’s been time tested for over 3000 years so you can be assured that Judaism will be here for you today and here tomorrow for the rest of your life.
And Judaism is customizable; there’s a sect for every taste and lifestyle. Think you can’t eat pork as a Jew? Think again. If you’re one who clutches forks and knives to eat their bacon, check out the Reformed sect. Not only is bacon on the menu, so are pork chops and BBQ Ribs! Do we allow pork carnitas in your diet? Sí señor!
When you’re a Jew, there’s no longer any need to get up at the break of dawn to attend church. The sabbath begins at sunset on Friday night and ends at sunset on Saturday night. This means that not only are you free to go out Saturday night, you can sleep in on Sunday mornings! Isn’t that a nice religion?
And there’s nothing in the Old Testament prohibiting gay marriage, birth control, or abortion. Why do you think so many show business professionals and doctors are Jews? Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, anyone?
And I’ve saved the best for last. With Judaism, there’s no downside—literally. Jews shuffling off this mortal coil take a nonstop flight up to Heaven—flying coach, of course. But there’s no Hell for Jews. Yes, you read it right: no Hell or eternal gnashing of teeth in a dark pit. Jews don’t believe in eternal damnation. We feel that life is hard enough so no reason to go all meshuga in the afterlife.
So, if Judaism sounds good to you, you sound good to Judaism. Call your neighborhood rabbi today or just stop by your local synagogue—no need to schedule an appointment. We just ask you to bring some danish. And bagels. Bagels and lox with a little schmear. Oy gevalt, I’m hungry now.