The Dark Fiery Pit Of The GOP

Have you ever noticed the connection between the New Testament, Fox, and the GOP? The New Testament imposes fear in Catholics and Christians to vote God by preaching you will be thrown into a dark, fiery pit where you will gnash your teeth for eternity if you don’t.  Fox and the Republicans have always employed fear by preaching to vote GOP or you will be thrown into dirty bomb attacks by domestic terrorists while you’re being thrown into bankruptcy by big spending Democrats after you’ve been thrown into jail by Obama personally for owning a registered firearm after he throws your family into poverty by forcing you all onto Food Stamps after he takes your job away. If the Bible is in fact the word of Jesus, wouldn’t that make both Fox and the GOP guilty of plagiarism?

Besides, the Republicans got it all wrong! Their ad campaign shouldn’t be centered on selling Obama as the anti-GOP about to deliver the end of the United States as we know it. They should borrow a page from the 19th Century Dept. of the Interior and update the image of the Great White Father that was sold to the Indians. The Indians bought, eventually, VERY eventually…

Fact is, the Republicans haven’t had a Great White Father since Dwight D. Eisenhower. John McCain was supposed to be the next Great White Father but he turned out to be their Crazy Uncle John. The closest they’ve come is Ronald Reagan, who was the Great Orange-Haired Father. And while we’re on the subject—what’s the deal with Republican hair dye jobs? At 69, Reagan was the oldest elected President in US history. So naturally they dyed his hair prematurely orange to make him look younger and more vigorous.  Mitt Romney is just five years younger than Reagan was but apparently his advisors are going for the youthful but experienced look. Hence, Romney’s got a dye job that gives him dark hair except for the sideburns extending just a teensy weensy bit up to his temples. The dark hair exemplifies youth, the gray sideburns—experience. Taken altogether, the phony-looking dye job seems as carefully manufactured as Romney’s changing stances on any issue. But I digress…

So, the GOP should be offering their electorate the modern day equivalent of beads and blankets instead of doom and gloom. As any father–Great White or otherwise–knows, it’s easier to get your child to fear you than it is to respect you, whether they love you or not.

Look at how President Obama is being sold: “I’m doing a good job so are, ain’t I?” Clear, simple, emphasizes the affirmative, asking his electorate to buy into the premise that overall, he’s doing ok so they should just let him keep doing it. The Democrats don’t need a father figure, great or otherwise and of any color. The only black they care about is on the federal government’s balance sheet.

But perhaps the Republicans have intertwined themselves too heavily with the Bible and are now unable to extricate themselves. Must be rough to have to spend eternity in a dark, fiery pit where you will gnash your teeth. Perhaps we can convert them posthumously to Democrats.

6 thoughts on “The Dark Fiery Pit Of The GOP

  1. rjwalker918r says:

    >> The New Testament imposes fear in Catholics and Christians to vote God by preaching you will be thrown into a dark, fiery pit where you will gnash your teeth for eternity if you don’t. …

    With the same level of respect as the author: shows, but a great deal more knowledge of religion: bullshit.

    • farlefty says:

      I once attempted to read Good News For Modern Man because I was dating the most incredibly beautiful blonde Christian I had ever seen. I got thru Matthew but threw in the towel on Mark. The pit and the gnashing of teeth stuff are the only vivid memories I have of what I read. There may have been some pulling of hair in there someplace too. It was all a load of bullshit (as you described it) and I’ve never picked up any version of the Bible since. But that girl was sure worth it.

  2. Brian L. Baker says:

    I think you mean “Old Teatament,” not New.

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