What’s a poor Christian to do these days? Everywhere they turn they’re under attack. Can’t propose to stick a transvaginal probe up a pregnant woman in Virginia. Can’t have a prayer to the Lord posted on the wall of a public school in Rhode Island. The war on Christmas has no end in sight. And Kenyan-born Muslim President Obama is forcing churches to pay for abortions and contraceptives. A Christian just can’t catch a break anywhere.
Being a Christian used to be great when this was a Christian nation, but now not so much. So, what’s the answer?
Maybe it’s time to try into a new religion. Have you considered Judaism? It’s been time tested for over 3000 years so you can be assured that Judaism will be here for you today and here tomorrow for the rest of your life.
And Judaism is customizable; there’s a sect for every taste and lifestyle. Think you can’t eat pork as a Jew? Think again. If you’re one who clutches forks and knives to eat their bacon, check out the Reformed sect. Not only is bacon on the menu, so are pork chops and BBQ Ribs! Do we allow pork carnitas in your diet? Sí señor!
When you’re a Jew, there’s no longer any need to get up at the break of dawn to attend church. The sabbath begins at sunset on Friday night and ends at sunset on Saturday night. This means that not only are you free to go out Saturday night, you can sleep in on Sunday mornings! Isn’t that a nice religion?
And there’s nothing in the Old Testament prohibiting gay marriage, birth control, or abortion. Why do you think so many show business professionals and doctors are Jews? Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, anyone?
And I’ve saved the best for last. With Judaism, there’s no downside—literally. Jews shuffling off this mortal coil take a nonstop flight up to Heaven—flying coach, of course. But there’s no Hell for Jews. Yes, you read it right: no Hell or eternal gnashing of teeth in a dark pit. Jews don’t believe in eternal damnation. We feel that life is hard enough so no reason to go all meshuga in the afterlife.
So, if Judaism sounds good to you, you sound good to Judaism. Call your neighborhood rabbi today or just stop by your local synagogue—no need to schedule an appointment. We just ask you to bring some danish. And bagels. Bagels and lox with a little schmear. Oy gevalt, I’m hungry now.