Vatican Street

I’m not the first one to ask this but, if life begins at conception shouldn’t pregnant women be allowed to use the carpool lane? Zygotes are people too, my friend. Currently, the Virginia legislature is trying to push through ultrasound vaginal probes that could tell if a new, burgeoning lifeform is indeed inhabiting her inner sanctum. If that law passes, it could conceivably happen that a state trooper, suspecting a lone female driving in the carpool lane of breaking the law, could pull her over and right there by the side of road insert an ultrasound vaginal probe up her Volvo to confirm whether or not she had a bun in the oven.

Is this the country we want to become? Why is it that Republican men are so insistent upon checking to see if a woman is pregnant and on banning abortions to make sure that she is?  Virginia is turning so far to the right that they’re working on banning all prophylactic care so that both condoms and dentistry would be outlawed in the state.

Is this what Jesus would have wanted? This would be the place for me to insert a biblical quote, but never having read the Bible I have to settle for some of Jeffrey Hunter’s dialogue in “King of Kings”. Nope, sorry, it was John the Baptist, played by that great underrated actor Robert Ryan: “Woman, is not your cup of abominations full enough?” In other words—come on, sister! First you want the vote, then the right to smoke in public, then equal pay for equal work, and now you want sovereign power over your own body? You’re really beginning to piss Jesus off, here!”

What I don’t understand is Republican women who meekly raise their hand and softly whisper, “Please, sir, I don’t want sovereign power over my own body if you please, sir” just before they cast their vote for Rick Santorum.  Maybe like Mitt Romney’s father, George, they’ve been brainwashed, but this time by the Roman Catholic Church, to believe their bodies are merely vessels to serve at the pleasure of God’s will, as interpreted by Rick Santorum and the Republicans. I can see no other explanation.

But to complicate things further, the Catholic Church endorses the use of Viagra. In fact it’s paid for by the Church health plans. This is indeed curious. Why would the Church cover the costs for clergy who have sworn a vow of celibacy who work around young altar boys all day? Perhaps for a man a vow of celibacy exerts a strain on the heart increasing blood pressure? Viagra did start out as blood pressure medicine until a unique and unexpected side effect was discovered. Now with one medication, men can have a soft aorta and a hard penis at the same time. But we’re back to the question of why a single priest living alone in his cell would need a hard penis?

And there is yet another question to be answered. If the Church is dead set against contraception and abortion, why would it embrace Viagra? Unless it views a man with a flaccid penis as another form of birth control, which is against God’s will. But if it was God that made this flaccid penis, isn’t it God’s way of ensuring sperm will not meet egg, which after all is what birth control is all about? I mean, it’s easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than a limp noodle.

So, it would seem to be that the Church signing off on Viagra would fly in the face of the word of God, as spoken by Rick Santorum and the Republicans. One would begin to think that the Roman Catholic Church has been set up like Bain Capital, Mitt Romney’s old stomping grounds. Hundreds of millions of men worldwide have been sent out merge with women who accept their IPO (Internal Penile Offering).  The women essentially become the holding company that issues the little dividends nine months later. The Church collects its percentage off the top every Sunday as all its subcontractors, I mean, parishioners, take a much-deserved day off as they attend the weekly corporate meeting.

So, we’ve finally come to what it’s actually all about. It’s about passing the plate and then passing on the genetic code just so the Roman Catholic Church can maintain a steady return on its 2000 year old capital investment. It’s the money, stupid.


4 thoughts on “Vatican Street

  1. The big lie during the first Iraq War was that Iraqi soldiers were deliberately removing Kuwaiti babies from incubators to let them die. Accusing the other side of baby killing is a effective and traditional way of dehumanizing an enemy. People like Randall Terry and Jerry Falwell figured this out in the 70s and joined the Catholic Church in condemning godless liberal baby killers. It also helped mobilize the fundamentalists and evangelicals to get back into politics and give money to their righteous leaders.

    • farlefty says:

      That’s right. Both the Catholic Church, the religious right, and the Republicans have employed the spectre of the godless liberal baby killer as an effective fundraising tool.

  2. Independent Thinker says:

    I loved this article! I can’t stop laughing! It is so right and yet, so funny. Congratulations, you are one great writer!

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